How to be a Grandchild (Process Analysis)

When you knock on the door, you'll have to be patient. Trust me, they're home. But it will take a couple of minutes for my Grandpa to pull his eyes from the television screen to get up and open that door. When he finally does reach the door, it'll take a couple more minutes for him to actually open the door. He's had that door, that doorknob, that lock for quite a while and yet, still can't manage to remember how to open it.

When you finally enter the house, the smell of mothballs will hit you. It's a strong smell but the more time you spend in the house, the less you notice it, though you will notice, the old furniture, the new flat-screen television resting on top of the broken television from the sixties. You may chuckle at that sight, and my grandpa may ask you what you're laughing about.

You will find my grandmother in the kitchen. She may be baking banana bars or an apple pie. She'll probably look up and smile at you. Then ask you to get her something. Maybe it will be a glass of water, or the sugar canister. She will probably need help getting in the bathtub to wash her hair, or may need you to rub her feet. That's your job.

In the meantime, my grandpa may try to make idle conversation with you. He may or may not bring up his dead bug collection or show you the mouse skeleton he has in a jar. Just politely say no. He may still proceed to show you said dead mouse. If so, just kindly smile, glance at the jar and walk away.

When helping my grandmother in the bathtub, remember to get the big cooler from the kitchen. Set that cooler in the bathtub. She uses that cooler to lower herself into the bathtub. Run hot water for her, but not too hot. Once she gets in the bathtub, you may leave her alone. She can take it from there. She's stubborn and independent. She probably won't let you wash her hair or help her in the bathtub any further, though she may ask you to make her bed.

When making her bed, take off all of the blankets, including the turqoise electric blanket, but leave the mattress pad on the bed. Look in the nightstand, the one with the television sitting on top of it. In the bottom drawer, there should be mismatched pillow cases and sheets. When putting on the fitted sheet, you may scrape your knuckles on the left side of the bed by the wall. Getting that fitted sheet on is a task in itself. Then, when you put on the next sheet, tuck the end of it into the end of the bed and you may also tuck the sides in. Make sure it's straight. Make sure it's not too wrinkled. Then set the turquoise electric blanket on top of the sheets, then place the comforter on top. But make sure it's not crooked. Grandma may be getting older, but she can't stand it when that comforter is crooked. Finally throw the used sheets down the hamper in the bathroom.

When you help my grandma out of the bathtub, help her to hoist herself onto the big cooler. Once she's sitting on that, she can get one leg over the edge of the bathtub and bring herself to her feet. After you get her out of the bathtub, she'll probably ask you to make grandpa supper.

Take the leftovers out of the green tinted triangular containers in the fridge. Take a few spoonful’s of whatever leftovers are in the fridge, put them in the microwave for two minutes. In the meantime, boil water for grandpa’s instant coffee. To make the instant coffee, take a table spoon and open the glass container on the counter that’s shaped like a snowman. The instant coffee is in there. Make sure you get a level spoonful of that - Level! If it's not level, grandpa will complain that it is too strong. Dip the scoop in the sugar canister into the sugar. Get a full scoop, then shake it just a little. Then pour the remaining sugar in the grandpas coffee. Finally, proceed with the leftovers and the coffee and take them out into the living room where grandpa may or may not have fallen asleep with his mouth open on the couch.

At this point, my grandma will hug you and thank you. You may hug my grandpa, but he usually will not get up to hug you. You have officially survived a day with my grandparents. Remember to turn the light on outside of the house and close the door tightly behind you.