The City Bus

Over the last year, I've started to ride the city bus. At first I never thought I'd get used to it. I felt like I'd get lost and I felt claustrophobic being on a bus with a handful of people I did not know. But I got to love watching the world pass by me through the window and I got to love the people I'd meet on the bus.

That's the weirdest thing about bus rides - the people that you meet. Some people rub you the wrong way. they really get under your skin and you sit as far away from them as possible. And others, you are driven too. You sit in the seat behind, or across from them on the bus, watch them, wonder who they are and what kind of life they lead.

The saddest thing about the bus rides is meeting someone who you have a connection with, even just a friendly connection, And then losing them. There's nothing definite on the bus. There are regular bus-riders and then those who are just visiting or whose car is in the repair shop. I've met a few people I'd like to see again.

The tall guy who discussed art with me on the bus,,,you and your t-shirt - I think it was a Pink Floyd t-shirt. Where are you now? Who are you? We didn't talk at all during the hour bus ride. But you sat across from me and kept staring at me. I kept staring to the left of me, avoiding eye contact. Then when we got off the bus, you told me how much you loved my outfit and asked me if I was artist because you said I looked like one. We talked about art and music for a little while, then went our seperate ways. I never saw you again.

The old lady with the colorful scarves. When I used to ride route ten by my old house, I'd see you almost every day. Now I never see you. You were the sweetest old lady. We'd sit and discuss scarves or my outfit that day, or your grandkids. I enjoyed our conversations even if they were brief. Now I miss them hearing about your family and your life.

The most common question you can be asked by a fellow bus rider is the direction you're going in. Whenever I'm asked I don't want to give the expected answer - "Oh route twelve". I'd rather start telling them about my plans for the future or even quote one of my favorite Jim Croce songs: "I've got a song and I carry it with and I sing it loud. If it get's me nowhere I'll go there proud." Asking me about the direction I'll be travelling in for the next hour is so vague, so impersonal. I want to connect with the people I meet. Even if I never see them on the bus again.

Snow

Yesterday it snowed for the first time this winter. I only had to take one look at that white crap at the ground to get a feeling of dread deep in my stomach for the next few months. Oh, I hate winter.

Of course the snow didn't stick yesterday. It feel for a little while, almost like rain and melted. But I know what's coming. People have been saying that this is going to be one of the worst winters yet to come.

Snow is so deceitful. When it first falls and collects on the ground. Everything is glittering so pale. It's sparkling and so mezmorizing that you just stare out at the winter wonderland for a little while longer. But then, as people trudge through the snow and cars drive by, it starts to look dirty and dark, almost black.

That's when you start to hate winter. The first few days, it's beautiful but over the next couple weeks you grow to hate it with a burning passion and you dread even leaving your house to run the smallest of errands. That's what the cold does to you.

But I try not to be a pessimist, despite how much I hate the cold. There are some good things that come with winter. There's nothing like coming into a heated home and getting a mug of hot chocolate after being outside when it's below freezing. And Christmas is alright, it's nice to see all of the lights on the houses although I get tired of hearing the Christmas songs. Snow days can also be a little fun but you have to make up the days in school. Two-hour delays are the best. Snow isn't all bad and it does come to an end here after a few months, thank god. It's too bad that those few months feel like a lifetime.

Mud Slinging!

Oh the presidential election is coming up and you know what that means: mud-slinging!!! These is my least favorite part of any presidential election, the mud-slinging campaigns. I swear some of these candidates wouldn't have a leg to stand on if they stopped degrading other candidates in their campaign ads. I understand maybe a bit of comparison in a campaign ad between you and your opponent. But when you spend more time insulting other candidates, then discussing your own platform and plans, you've officially lost my vote and I'm sure quite a few others.

My sister recently had this great idea for how we should run presidential elections. Instead of the candidates putting out these ads making themselves all look like the absolute best. We should put all of the candidates on a reality T.V show situation. Like put them all in a house together for a few months and see how well they handle stressful situations. Take away all of the glamour and the masks and see what the true person is underneath by putting them in these situations. Of course, a lot of people would argue that this is an awful idea but I like to think that those people have no sense of humor and/or have been brainwashed by the government.

I'm not expert on these matters, obviously so maybe I shouldn't be pitching strange ideas like that. I don't understand everything about the presidential election. But I have gotten sick of these constant mud-slinging campaigns and the fake politicians. I just wish there was a way to actually get to know the candidates, who they really are underneath all of the glamour before you vote for anyone. But this is not a utopian society and we're lucky to live in a democratic society where we can vote at all. Even if most of the politicians appear to be fake jerks.

Running Out of Time

One of my first memories as a young child is my father playing his Ovation guitar by me and my sisters bed. He'd play us lullabyes every night on that old guitar. Music became a part of my life at that point - at three or four years old when I'd be mezmorized by the sounds he could produce out of that instrument. As I got a little older, he'd take me down to the basement, play old cassette tapes and we'd sing to them together. I'd memorize all of the lyrics and we'd do our own little performances in the basement singing over Jim Croce, John Denver or whoever happened to be on the tape. I grew to love those moments with my father. And I grew to love music more than anything else.

So I decided very young that I wanted to be like the singer/songwriters my dad and I had spent so much time listening to. I'd make up my own little ditties and sing them to whoever would listen. At nine years old, I started taking piano lessons and learned how to put those ditties to music. Though I never learned how to read sheet music, I played everything from the heart by ear.

Now I still play music. I still sing and write song and audition for every show I can. But I'm getting older and my dream of being able to perform music is impractical. For a long time I dreamt of going to Musicians Institute of L.A. But it's out of the question. I'm going to be paying for my college education out of pocket and can't afford it.

Now, I'm trying to do what I've dreaded doing my whole life up to this point - being practical. I've always been a dreamer and I've feared settling down into a routine and becoming miserable like my parents. I know I'm overexaggeratting. But I used to think music would be the only thing that would ever make me happy. Now I don't know what I want to do.

It's my senior year. My friends are already applying for colleges. I feel left behind. I've tried to make plans with my school counselor but I feel like I'm settling for something that won't make me happy. I know the people make over ten career changes in their life, so what I pick now isn't going to be what I do till the day I die. But I just don't know what I want to do. I don't even know where to start. And I fear I'm runnning out of time.

It's funny that I feel I'm running out of time when I have all of the time in world left. I'm young - I've got my whole life ahead of me. But everything feels so rushed right now. Everyone is making plans and I'm being left behind.

I'm guessing these are just the senior blues, the senior anxiety. I know I'm going to go into the workforce for a couple years before I make any decisions on college. But that doesn't seem like enough. That makes me sound like a slacker when other students have spent so much time and effort on their 4.0 GPA's. Suddenly, now that it's coming to the end of high school and my whole school career is out on display, I'm feeling more insecure than ever.

Life after High School

I swear I can't go anywhere anymore without someone asking me, "So what are the plans for after highschool?" It's an innocent question, but I get so sick of hearing it. My hairdresser asks me, my dentist asks me, old family friends ask me, the cashier at Walmart asks me! Then, if that's not enough there is this constant pushing from the principal and others at school until my mind is spinning so fast I'm scared to even look past tomorrow.

I understand people are curious. I also understand that the people at school are just trying to prepare me for life after highschool. It makes sense. But no one in my immediate family went to college. My sister and my father didn't even graduate from high school. My parents didn't save a college fund for me or my sister because they didn't even consider the notion that someday we'd want to attend college. I was never pushed by my parents to get good grades in school, not even to finish my homework when I was in elementary school. So I developed an awful work ethic from the very start.

This is uncharted territory for me. If I want to go to college, I'm going to be the one paying for it. I don't have the luxury of my family helping me. They're just as broke as I am. No one at home is even pushing me to attend college. My dad actually spent most of my life trying to push me away from it. He's spent more time trying to discourage me from attending college, then encouraging me.

Yes, I'd love to attend college. I want to be able to get a job that will pay enough to help support a family of my own someday. But sometimes it just feels like all of the odds are against me. I'm slow. I've always been slow. It takes me a long time to grasp a firm understanding of anything. I know that doesn't mean I'm stupid. But my grades don't look very spectacular either. They're not horrible, but I definetely don't have a 4.0 grades point average.

So far I'm planning on moving in with my boyfriend, finding a job, and taking classes at a community college in the meantime to raise my grade point average. Then I will go from there. That's my plan. I have a good head on my shoulders and I know what is right for me for right now.

Mixing Religon and Politics

I've asked people this question before, "Why don't you agree with same-sex marriage?" Not necessarily to start a debate, but to understand why the opposing group feels the way they do. The most common answer is, "Because marriage is defined between a man and a woman." And "Where," I ask, "Is it defined that way?" Then of course they reply, "The Bible." I don't always argue with them. Most of the time I just walk away - I got my answer, why fight with them? I respect everyone and wouldn't like it if they pushed me to change my views and told me I was wrong so I'm not going tell them that they're wrong. It's out of respect. But when they get rude and start to argue with me, then I argue my point.

Church and state are supposed to separate. Using religion as an argument isn't valid. What frustrates me even more is politicians who use religion as their platform like Michelle Bachman and Rick Perry. Both of them, it seems are intent on seeing the constitution through a biblical lens. I get sick of people jumping to the conclusion that when the constitution cites God, they are speaking of the Christian God.

I firmly believe our founding fathers were Unitarians. When they cited God, they meant an all-inclusive God. Not a Christian God and yet, people everywhere are intent on mixing religion and politics. If people want religion and want to express their faith, do it at church. But do not push it on me and do not try to tell me that we are a "CHRISTIAN NATION".

I understand that there are a lot of Christians in our nation. But we do not have an official religion and there are still many people with many different faiths in our nation. Pushing Christianity on them would be wrong.

The second argument I've encountered again same-sex marriage is the "family values" argument. "America is going to hell because we're losing sight of 'family values!" I've heard different people rant about this. But what are family values? Every family is different. Suddenly a family with two moms or with two fathers is wrong and they don't have "family values". I think it's a little funny because the values I was taught by my family were to accept everyone and not to discrimate anyone because we are all equal. But I guess others don't see it that way.

The last argument is just ridiculous and almost not even worth mentioning. But surprisingly I've heard it enough times that I feel the need to mention it. This argument goes a little something like this:

"If we let the gays get married, then before you know it, people are going to be getting married to animals and even inanimate objects!"

Oh yes, because I've been kissing my toaster for years just waiting for the day that gay marriage is legalized so I can proclamate my love for my toaster to the world! Yes, that makes perfect sense.

People are allowed to have their opinions, just as I'm allowed to have mine. I just feel that the government should not be able to regulate who you can fall in love with and get married to. But if people want to mix religion and politics, I guess that's up to them. I personally, will fight this until the day that I die.