Running Out of Time

One of my first memories as a young child is my father playing his Ovation guitar by me and my sisters bed. He'd play us lullabyes every night on that old guitar. Music became a part of my life at that point - at three or four years old when I'd be mezmorized by the sounds he could produce out of that instrument. As I got a little older, he'd take me down to the basement, play old cassette tapes and we'd sing to them together. I'd memorize all of the lyrics and we'd do our own little performances in the basement singing over Jim Croce, John Denver or whoever happened to be on the tape. I grew to love those moments with my father. And I grew to love music more than anything else.

So I decided very young that I wanted to be like the singer/songwriters my dad and I had spent so much time listening to. I'd make up my own little ditties and sing them to whoever would listen. At nine years old, I started taking piano lessons and learned how to put those ditties to music. Though I never learned how to read sheet music, I played everything from the heart by ear.

Now I still play music. I still sing and write song and audition for every show I can. But I'm getting older and my dream of being able to perform music is impractical. For a long time I dreamt of going to Musicians Institute of L.A. But it's out of the question. I'm going to be paying for my college education out of pocket and can't afford it.

Now, I'm trying to do what I've dreaded doing my whole life up to this point - being practical. I've always been a dreamer and I've feared settling down into a routine and becoming miserable like my parents. I know I'm overexaggeratting. But I used to think music would be the only thing that would ever make me happy. Now I don't know what I want to do.

It's my senior year. My friends are already applying for colleges. I feel left behind. I've tried to make plans with my school counselor but I feel like I'm settling for something that won't make me happy. I know the people make over ten career changes in their life, so what I pick now isn't going to be what I do till the day I die. But I just don't know what I want to do. I don't even know where to start. And I fear I'm runnning out of time.

It's funny that I feel I'm running out of time when I have all of the time in world left. I'm young - I've got my whole life ahead of me. But everything feels so rushed right now. Everyone is making plans and I'm being left behind.

I'm guessing these are just the senior blues, the senior anxiety. I know I'm going to go into the workforce for a couple years before I make any decisions on college. But that doesn't seem like enough. That makes me sound like a slacker when other students have spent so much time and effort on their 4.0 GPA's. Suddenly, now that it's coming to the end of high school and my whole school career is out on display, I'm feeling more insecure than ever.